Marriage is not for baby girls. It is for women who are ready for the marathon. Because it is not a 100-metre dash.
When Roseline complained to her grandmother that marriage was not what she expected. It was not even what my husband promised when we were dating.
“Grandma,” she said, “my husband does not understand me. He does not know when I am angry unless I tell him and when I do, he just either says, ‘ehn ehn, ma binu’, and moves on. He does not always say the right things. He does not pet me. He does not notice and compliment my new wig or a freshly done make-up. Sometimes he even forgets things I told him the previous week.”
The old woman just smiled.
“My child,” she said, “you married a human being, not a magician. You married a man raised by another family, not yours. He is conditioned and socialised differently from the one you shaped, created in your head. That he does not do everything on your own to-do-list does not mean he does not care for you or that he does not have his own to-do-list that you do not tick. You are on a journey, a lifetime journey. Be prepared for each bus stop, mad conductors, flat tires in the rain and long fuel queues even. “
“But I feel so alone, Mama.”
“That is just a bus stop you don’t like. You will soon leave it. Focus on your journey. Concentrate on what your husband does well. Even I like his deep voice.”
“Oh Mama, you are impossible.”
That was the day Rosie discovered that marriage is not a movie where the man always knows the right words, the woman always looks beautiful in the morning, and every argument ends with background music and a kiss and slow, tantalising lovemaking.
Marriage is not for baby girls. It is not about soft life, trust me. Yes, there will be soft days but those are rewards for the hard days. A good wife knows how to juggle both. Rume, my friend told me our husbands had on and off days about 30 years ago and that we should enjoy them on their ‘On Days’ and focus on our business and career on their ‘Off Days’. It worked and I recommend it.
Marriage is not for toddlers wearing adult clothes. That you said ‘I do’ means you will be called on ‘to do many things’, many things outside of romance.
It is not for people who just want the excitement of a wedding but are allergic to the responsibility of a marriage, the tough stuff.
A wedding is just a ceremony that lasts a day or two. Marriage is designed to last forever, in other words, decades. The woman who wants the flowers, the gown, the applause and the Instagram pictures must also be ready for the ordinary Tuesdays when there are bills to pay, children to manage, misunderstandings to resolve and two imperfect people trying to build one life. Note: one life.
The homily today is, therefore, about women should not marry yet. Yeah, they need to take a deep breath and ask if they are packed for this long journey.
Not because they are bad women.
Not because they are failures, in fact many of them are successful in their careers. They are business owners and celebrities.
But because marriage demands a different level of emotional maturity that romance alone cannot provide. Let’s run through this list.
The first group of women who should not rush into marriage are those who have not learnt forgiveness. A woman who keeps a record book of every offence committed against her will struggle in marriage.
The husband who forgot an anniversary in 2024, the argument from 2025, the careless statement made in 2023—everything is carefully stored in her large emotional warehouse. This one needs to sell that warehouse or start using it for something more useful.
Some women do not forgive; they simply postpone revenge. They even plan revenge meticulously, like Satan himself. But marriage cannot survive where every disagreement becomes a courtroom and every mistake becomes evidence presented years later. Marriage is not about who is right and who is wrong.
Forgiveness is hard but does not mean accepting nonsense. It means understanding that two people living together will hurt each other sometimes, even unintentionally.
A marriage without forgiveness becomes a prison where both people are serving sentences, with suspicion and hostility as constant companions.
The second group is where you find the impatient woman.
The woman who wants everything immediately. She wants a perfect house this minute, a perfect husband and mother-in-law from day one. Her husband must make money now, not later, not gradually.
But life does not work like a supermarket where you pick everything from the shelf and pay at the counter.
Marriage is a massive construction site. You need to lay bricks, repair cracks. Sometimes you are cleaning up after a storm, at other times, you are working on drainage.
A woman who cannot wait, who cannot endure seasons, who cannot understand that every beautiful thing takes time may find marriage frustrating. Marriage has all the seasons, from winter to harmattan. Even good marriages have bad seasons. Good husbands have difficult days. Even good wives have moments when they are not the easiest people to live with. Only the patient will get to the finished line.
The third group is the woman who cannot compromise. Today’s women have terms for everything, terms that make the simplest things sound like cardinal sins.
I am alone in this marriage.
I am losing myself.
I don’t feel heard.
He forgets my birthdays and our anniversaries, he doesn’t love me.
These are matters that can be resolved with effective communication and compromise.
Let us be clear: compromise does not mean losing yourself. It does not mean tolerating abuse, abandoning your dreams or losing yourself. It means understanding that marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship.
A woman who insists on, ‘My way or the highway,’ will eventually discover that she is married to a human being, not a remote-controlled device.
Sometimes you choose the restaurant. Sometimes he chooses the movie.
Sometimes your family tradition wins. Sometimes his does.
Sometimes you are right. Sometimes you are wise enough to let peace win.
The woman who cannot bend will eventually break and break her marriage. No marriage can survive without compromise.
The fourth woman is the one who has not developed resilience.
Marriage is not all about candle-lit dinners and romantic holidays. It is a road with many bends and bumps.
There will be sickness and financial pressure. There will be disappointments and moments when both partners are tired and nobody feels particularly romantic.
The woman who collapses at every inconvenience may find the reality of marriage overwhelming. Life will test every marriage with annoying subtractions. A wife who has no bank of additions will bend under the weight of minuses. The question is never whether storms will come. The question is whether the couple has built a house strong enough to survive them.
The fifth woman is the one who wants to be permanently taken care of and has not learnt partnership. She goes into marriage thinking it will solve all her problems, physical, emotional, financial, and even spiritual. To her, marriage means no more rent or jumping Uber, free fuel and no more prepaid metre hassles. Her husband must feed and clothe her, pay her siblings’ school fees and underwrite her mother’s 70th birthday expenses. And when the man cannot or refuses to be a beast of burden, she reels out a list of terminologies for the bad man.
He is not a keeper.
He is uncaring.
He is selfish, and/or self-centred.
Who told her marriage is an adoption centre?
A husband is a partner, not a parent. That is why it is not a union for babies.
A wife is a partner, not a servant.
Adults must enter marriage with the understanding that both people bring something to the table — love, responsibility, emotional support, sacrifice and commitment.
The strongest marriages are not built by two people asking, ‘What can I get?’
They are built by two people asking, ‘What can I give?’
And then there are the emotional cry babies.
The women who believe every disagreement is a declaration of war.
The women who threaten to leave every time they are angry.
I am leaving.
I’m done.
I am fed up.
You wonder if they ever really unpacked when you see how quickly they load their loads in one trunk. Weak little girls, those ones.
There are also women who believe silent treatment is a communication strategy. Mean little bullies, those ones.
Marriage requires difficult conversations. It requires sitting down when you would rather walk away. It requires maturity to say, “I am hurt,” instead of throwing emotional grenades.
Strong women cry. Strong women feel pain. Strong women get tired.
But strong women also recover.
They stand again.
They try again.
They build again.
Marriage is not for the faint-hearted.
It is not for those looking for a permanent honeymoon.
It is for long-distance runners.
The woman entering marriage must understand that love is not only a feeling. It is a decision.
A decision to show up, rain or shine.
A decision to be kind when it is easier to be cruel.
A decision to fight for the relationship rather than fight against the person. A decision to protect your territory instead of abandoning your home.
A decision to remember that the person beside you is also fighting their own battles and that you should show understanding, not drive him off the cliff.
However, there are also men who should not marry.
The immature man, the unforgiving man, the selfish man, the irresponsible man and the violent man should also stay away from marriage until they are ready to become husbands, not just husbands in title because marriage is not a playground for grown children. It is a garden.
And gardens require patience, watering, pruning and care.
Before any woman says, “I do,” she should ask herself some important questions:
‘Am I ready to build, or am I only ready to be entertained?’
‘Am I getting married because my friends are all married or I truly want to be a wife?’
‘Is it all about the ceremony and being the centre of attraction or I’m in it for the long haul?’
Marriage is not about little girls playing dress-up. It is for strong focused women, not fly-by-night bride who enters and starts looking for exits at the first sign of trouble.
Marriage is beautiful but its beauty belongs to those who are prepared for the work.
*Egbemode ([email protected])
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