Scene: A wooden bench outside Mama Silifa’s Buka. Generator humming. Power just went off. Again. For the second time in 40 minutes.
Koko: (fanning himself with an old newspaper) Nigeria is finished. Completely finished. These politicians have eaten everything. They ate yesterday, they are eating today and now they are taking our future to Dubai.
Kaka: Calm down, prophet of doom. Leave Dubai out of this. Your politicians are taking everything everywhere, especially tax havens that cannot export them back to EFCC custody.
Koko: They carried our money there! Every time EFCC coughs, one politician is hiding in London, Dubai, or pretending to be sick in Germany.
Kaka: I do not know what your ‘aggro’ is? You seem to forget that going into public office is not like boarding a plane to sleep on the beach in Maldives. It is a lot of hard work, politicking. Yes. And don’t forget who carried the politician into office?
Koko: (pauses) You are determined not to let me enjoy my gbegiri and abula with this hot amala.
Kaka: Eating during Lent and Ramadan. You are not faithful to any faith. You are a suspect. But to answer your question, it is we the voters that voted for the politicians who are robbing us blind.
Koko: But we didn’t know they would be corrupt!
Kaka: (laughs loudly) Koko, you mean you didn’t know? The man shared rice, wrappers, and N5,000 at the rally. You called him “our generous son.” What were you expecting? Angel Gabriel?
Koko: That was empowerment!
Kaka: Empowerment? To do what? Fry akara for four years?
Koko: To you. That 5k is peanut but, at least, he remembered us before election.
Kaka: He assembled you somewhere and repeated his line from the last election but forgot you immediately after. That is what happens every time.
Small cup of rice, wrappers and you go home happy, until the next round, abi? You say politicians are corrupt. I agree. But Nigerian voters? We are saints, right?
Koko: Leave voters out of this. We are victims. Do not let me choke on this expensive amala o.
Kaka: Victims that collect money before voting?
Koko: Hunger is not a small thing, my brother.
Kaka: True but when a man starts thinking with his stomach instead of with his brain…The N5,000 you collected—how many mudu of rice did it buy?
Koko: It is prepaid dividend of democracy.
Kaka: No, it is the politicians looting both your brain and your stomach. A few grains of rice that will last one week for the family, followed by bad governance.
Koko: We know what we are doing.
Kaka: You get ulcer, they get bouncers to keep your smelly selves from their new fortresses.
Koko: It’s just four years, their one term is effectively two years. By the third year, they are running up and down prostrating for godfathers and making sacrifices to their deities of good luck.
Kaka: Exactly. You sold four years for two weeks of enjoyment. Who does that? Someone will buy a G-Wag one year after election while you are left begging for acceptance fee for your child’s admission into the university. You see now that your head is not correct?
Koko: (hisses) So, what do you want poor people to do? Refuse free money?
Kaka: It’s not free money. It’s advance payment for your silence and retrogression.
Koko: Silence about what?
Kaka: About bad roads. About no light. About no jobs. About hospitals where nurses will tell you to go and buy outside. Once you collect their money, your mouth is tied. If you complain, they remind you: “Didn’t we support you?”
Koko: But politicians steal billions! We only collect small change.
Kaka: Corruption is not measured by size. It is measured by integrity. If you can sell your vote for N5,000, and the politician can sell contracts for N5 billion, both of you are in the same family. One is junior brother, the other is senior brother.
Koko: So now I am related to thieves?
Kaka: Distant cousin.
Koko: But look at it this way. Elections are expensive. Politicians must spend money to win. So when they enter office, they recover their investment.
Kaka: Listen to yourself. You have turned corruption into business strategy. “Return on Investment Politics Ltd.”
Koko: That’s the reality! They sell their cars, houses. Elections in Nigeria is expensive.
Kaka: Reality created by who? Voters who won’t go out to vote unless paid something. When the candidate who refuses to share money loses election, what lesson are you teaching him?
Koko: That he should be more generous next time, that his ‘akagum’ strategy will only earn him the title ‘former candidate’.
Kaka: Exactly. So next time he will bring bigger rice, bigger cash, louder music. And after winning, bigger stealing.
Koko: (scratches head) Hmm. The politicians have weaponised poverty, that’s why. They made us poor so they can make us accept peanuts.
Kaka: Sharrap! Weaponized poverty kill you there. So we must all take to crime and immorality because we don’t over enough? Since we started taking politicians vote-and-cook-soup money, are we now richer? Since voters started asking, “How much are they giving?”, has poverty left their homes?
Koko: No, the voters are still stranded and the country is on Life Support.
Koko: But politicians lie too much. They promise heaven and deliver potholes.
Kaka: The following year the voters still wear branded caps and clap for them.
Koko: Because they speak good grammar.
Kaka: Grammar has ruined this country. One candidate will say “infrastructural regeneration through holistic paradigms,” and everybody will shout, “Visionary!”
Koko: (laughing) Nigerians like big English and good music at noisy and dusty rallies.
Kaka: Instead of asking simple questions like : When will we start processing what we grow so we can generate jobs? What are the timelines? How will we fund the budget? No, everybody is dancing orisirisi dance.
Koko: These your questions are too stressful jare.
Kaka: Democracy is stressful. Corruption is comfortable.
Koko: Let me ask you. If you are contesting election and you see other candidates sharing money, will you just sit down?
Kaka: I will tell people to collect the money and still vote their conscience.
Koko: That one is advanced mathematics or even advance fee fraud.
Kaka: It’s called strategy. Take their money. It is your money anyway. But vote wisely.
Koko: And if they monitor?
Kaka: Secret ballot is secret for a reason. But the problem is not fear. The problem is that many voters genuinely prefer the highest bidder. Indeed, the trading starts long before Election Day. The political parties members themselves behave like traders.
Koko: That’s harsh. Party members are stakeholders, insiders, pillars of their parties
Kaka: Be honest, do party members trade or not? Do they buy and sell votes at party primaries or not? Do they get paid for party activities or not?
Koko: But it is still the politicians that manipulate results.
Kaka: Yes. But why is it easy? Because the same voters or party members who will agree to be party agents for small money and look away while figures are adjusted.
Koko: So everybody is chopping something?
Kaka: That’s the tragedy. Corruption in Nigeria is democratic. It goes round.
Koko: You’re sounding like you blame voters more than politicians.
Kaka: No. Politicians hold power; their sins are heavier. But voters create the environment. Think about it: when a known corrupt politician attends a wedding, what happens?
Koko: People rush to greet him.
Kaka: They struggle to take selfies. They call him “Your Excellency,” even after EFCC invitation.
Koko: Respect is culture in our society. They are just giving honour to the Honorables.
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