By FUNKE EGBEMODE
Polygamy is not another type of marriage. Polygamy is another level in the marriage pantheon. It is a special kind of marriage that involves more than one woman loving and laying claims to one man. Of course, no wife wants to hear or have to contend with it, because no woman really wants to share the heart or any part of her man. But polygamy is real and I bet someone’s marriage is threatened by this harsh reality even as we speak.
Do I support it? No, but what has my support or lack of it got to do with what is happening somewhere even as you read this. Women, we are tough. Wives are a big deal. I have sons. I have brothers. And I most certainly don’t want ‘my boys’ to have to deal with more than one wife per lifetime. We are more than a handful, we women. I most certainly do not envy or wish to be in the shoes of men who have to live with more than one wife, day in day out.
However, today is not about polygamy, men and their self- inflicted headaches. This is about women who think polygamy is just another form or type of marriage, because it is not.
Polygamy is the domestic form of boardroom politics. And that does not mean that polygamy is softer than boardroom politics. Being a second wife requires nail-hard coping skills, clear-eyed ability to sustain manipulation and extra knowledge of the human nature.
It is not about ‘roses are red’ and ‘he loves me more than his first wife’. It is not about being his favourite or current chairwoman. It’s not about who has the hottest skills in bed or who cooks better. All of that are part of the mix but there are hard reality checks every woman must do before you take the plunge.
Talking about plunge, if you are a woman who is considering diving into the polygamy pool, don’t you dare do it without a life jacket.
Let’s look at some of the reality checks and answer some questions.
- Is he marrying you to pepper the first wife?
If the answer is ‘Yes’, you are going to have a hard time from the get-go. If all you mean to this new husband is a can of pepper-spray to hurt the first wife, you are just a fool likely to be discarded once you have served your purpose. What that means is that you are most likely a passing fancy. A weapon between a husband who want to just get a reaction from his wife. Whichever way you look at it, this venture is not likely to end well, and worst still, it will most likely end sooner than you planned.
- Is his wife the breadwinner?
You need to ask questions about the finances of the man who’s taking you as his second wife. Do not assume anything at all when it comes to pockets of a married man who thinks he’s big enough to take on a second or a third wife. His word is not good enough, trust me, trust your instincts. You must be sure of who’s picking the bills, who’s buying the cars he cruises to your place. For all you care, the big horse you think is his may actually belong to his wife or a wedding gift from his first Father-in-law. Now, what do you think is going to happen when you find yourself in the middle of that kind of financial mess? His first wife refuses to let you move into her home. She bills the plug on Oga’s fine boy things. She seizes the car keys and stops fueling the generator. It’s gonna be a big deal, I assure you. So don’t downplay the answers to this breadwinner’s question. Some men are poor and unrepentantly proud. They spend their wives money and still behave like King. King of where?
- Are you the ATM he’d been looking for all these years?
Sometimes, a second wife can be crowned a breadwinner. Don’t tell me you haven’t heard of it. Poor philandering man goes hunting for rich, beautiful and desperate-for-marriage women. Sometimes, the first wife is even a cohort with her opportunist gigolo husband. They hire the new wife into a web. She becomes the new ATM. It’s the modern day version of money ritual. So, have you done your due diligence? Are you about to become a live-in-sugar Mummy of the family? Is that what you wanted when you decided to join a harem? You are just going to be treated like a fast selling product. Caveat emptor: you are liable to die young there. I will not give you details today.
- Is ‘Madam of the house’ a hard nut who has her husband by the balls?
Yes, don’t go there. When Madam is done squeezing her husband’s balls, your neck will be the next target. Some wives can’t and won’t share and they will go to any length to defend their territory
So, if you had heard strange stories about women who had dared to cross a certain first wife and ended up in a certain strange way, have a conversation with your legs and ‘Japa’ fast, with a one-way ticket.
If you have heard of Oga’s former girlfriend or mistress who had suddenly lost their senses, come down with strange illness or even disappeared without a trace, do not wait. Just cross to the other side of the road and save yourself the agony and pain of weird things like monthly period that won’t stop flowing like that of the woman with the ‘issue of blood’ in the Bible.
- How many children should you have if he’s already 60?
Do the math. If he’s 60 when your first child is born, he will be 80 when that child is 20. May he live long, right? You see why you have to have your head screwed on right and tight? If your children are not trust fund babies. How much work can an 80 year old man do to put your son through medical school.
You cannot become a second wife based on what your heart is telling you. The heart is not smart, consult your head. If a man does not have the means to project finances into the future of his children, what he needs is a girlfriend, a ‘waka pass’ side chick, not a new wife. Don’t walk with a man into a trap that will leave you stranded. Unless you have the means, polygamy is not a form of a marriage a struggling man should propose to you.
Two children will be your best bet. Don’t do any illiterate competition with the senior wife. She’s the wife of his youth and had a head start. If you want four or five children, you should have started early with a man that will be primarily yours.
In a polygamy setting, there are factors that affect reproduction and they must be fully considered.
- Should you wait for the will or take your inheritance upfront?
We are assuming that because your husband is older than you, he will die at a ripe old age, before you. Let us also assume that the older wife and the older children may influence Daddy’s last will and testament.
You may get lucky and the will may favour you or at least, generously accommodate you. But as they say on the street, you must be ‘always guiding’, so be guided. When you ask for gifts, ask for sensible ones. Invest in landed properties and jewelry in which you can store value like gold, like diamond. Watch out for your future. Don’t ask him for frivolous things like annual exotic holidays. Never forget that he does not belong solely to you, no matter the assurances he gives you.
With these few points of mine, I hope I have been able to convince you to look left, look right, look left again before you cross the road into polygamy.
*Egbemode ([email protected])
READ ALSO:
Ogun Central: Iyabo Obasanjo appoints 370 ward coordinators
FG, Borno intensify efforts to rescue 44 pupils
Naira closes week with N1.13 gain at official market
Osun poll: Oyebamiji meets Tinubu, sues for peace
Real reasons war against terrorism is prolonged -Expert
Kumuyi re-appoints Ope-Davies into Anchor varsity council
Another fake agency: Tinubu orders arrest, suspends Perm Secs
Ayra Starr changed my life, says Don Jazzy
Troops foil Lakurawa terrorists attack in Sokoto border community
