INTIMATE AFFAIRS: When a woman padlocks her honey jar

INTIMATE AFFAIRS: If you touch me, I’ll get pregnant
Funke Egbemode


For a woman, sex is not just physical. It is much deeper. Her orgasm is not just about reaching the peak of pleasure. It is about peaking happily and happily peaking. And for her to be roused and aroused, the arouser must be more than physically fit. He must be to her more than a warm and solid body. It is good for a man to be loaded downstairs but it is even better and more effective for him to be the man in whom she is truly pleased. That is why each time I hear that a man is complaining about not getting some or not enough, my counsel is that he should dig deeper beyond the surface and the physical. If your woman is happy, chances that she will make you happy between the sheets are high.

‘My wife just lies there like a log of wood.’

‘She does not respond to all the coaxing and kissing.’

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‘Mine behaves as if she’s doing me a favour.’

‘Yours is better. My wife asks me, in the middle of the do, if I had finished. Can you imagine? Isn’t a woman supposed to know when her husband has finished?’

Sorry, there is no woman who does not know when her husband ‘has finished’, trust me. The height of the event is always celebrated by earth-shaking movements, right?

Sorry, there is no woman who does not know when her husband ‘has finished’, trust me. The height of the event is always celebrated by earth-shaking movements, right? Whether it is 33,000-litre delivery or a 100-metre dash, a man will deliver with some kind of bang. Therefore, if a woman asks her man if he was done, in the middle of the show, something is wrong, very wrong. One, she is not feeling him. Two, she just wants him to drop his load and get the heck off her. She is not happy, period. Of course, there are men who overstay down there, naturally or unnaturally. They pump and hump until the nozzle feels like it is going to catch fire. It is only when the poor woman feels that her center of excellence is liable to go up in flames that she begs for mercy and a quick finish. But when a woman is displeased, angry and or is just doing her duty, ah, she just wants the man to ‘do quick’ and get out of there.

I remember a friend telling me about her fire-down-there experience. I’m smiling even now.

I had not seen Joke for three straight days and we were next-door neighbours. What happened? Her sailor husband had just returned after being away for six months. My friend thought she was prepared for Tony. She thought she was the hungry one. But when Mr Sailor started paddling, she knew he was beyond famished. She told me how she had to do sit-baths that morning because ‘Tony had badly used the place.’ She had missed her husband and he had missed her too. The marathon was consensual.

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Note, however, that the women we are talking about here are wives, women in committed relationships, not runs girls or those doing it for the money. Those ones will feign pleasure and pant in fake orgasms for as long as they can. They will endure a burning nozzle because sex for them is a business venture, a task that must be accomplished. This piece is about the women who do sex as if it is a duty and more importantly, wives who do not let their husbands lift their wrappers.

Yes, there are women who lock up the shop for days, months and I have heard of wives who denied their men access of any kind for years. It’s a mean thing to do, I agree but don’t forget where we started this discussion from. Intimacy is not what you can achieve with a woman who is upset with you. No, sex is an expression of affection and contentment for a woman. How your woman responds to you in bed, my dear brother, speaks to how she feels in her heart. A woman’s heart and her Centre of Excellence (COE) are linked and the two must agree to work together for the man to get maximum pleasure. A happy wife is a tiger in her man’s bed. She will go to his bed with pleasure and satisfaction on her mind. Even when he is aging and finding it difficult to put together a command performance, she helps him.

But how many men are willing to admit that it is their attitude in the living room that is causing trouble in the bedroom? How many men are considerate enough to do better during the day so they can get improved pleasure at night? Except women who have commercialized their territories, women cannot flip their sex life on and off like an electric switch.

There are many things that can make a woman unavailable in the bedroom. If she feels unloved, unprotected, cheated or taken advantage of, she will be too dry, too unwelcoming for her man.

Let’s look at the case of Wande. She had always been hardworking and focused. She knew where she was headed and she boarded the vehicle going to her proposed destination. She was a young doctor when she met Debola, a graduate of economics. She must have felt Debola and her were going in the same direction when they fell in love but she soon found out that her husband was lazy and unambitious. He did not care who wore the pants in their marriage as long as the pants got worn. If there was a need to change the car, it was okay if his wife bought a new one. Wande paid the rent, bought baby things for both their kids.  All Debola did was impregnate her as at when due, after which he promptly returned to his couch potato status. He knew all the television programs. He knew who had just moved into the neighbourhood. He read newspapers from front page to the back page. After 10 years of waiting for her husband to wake up to his responsibility, Wande gave up on him. She simply stopped trying.

Whichever way you look at it, it is difficult to get in the pants of a woman you treat like a man. If you want her all soft and succulent behind closed doors, treat her like a woman all day, every day.

She even stopped praying for him to change. Ten years of the same prayer points? Wande simply gave up. She was sad and depressed but Debola didn’t care enough to change his ways. It was particularly irritating that he wanted sex so often, as if making love to his wife was the only physical exercise he needed daily. Wande said she felt cursed. She cried so much, her eyes were permanently blood-shot. The decision to stop him from touching her was not a conscious decision per se. She just found out she no longer found him attractive. His touch no longer turned her on. It was a gradual steady degeneration of what once was a passionate relationship. One week turned into months and she found out she no longer missed sex or her husband’s touch. Yet he did not change his ways. She continued to struggle with the responsibilities of the family. Then one day, she announced that she had been nominated to attend a women’s summit in Dubai and she would like to go with her children since they were on holidays. She left with her children and has since not returned. The last we heard of was that she was in Canada.

Debola almost ran mad when it dawned on him that his attitude had cost him his marriage and cozy life. Did you say it was a cold and mean thing Wande did? Maybe, maybe not. Not all women are cut out for life with a full-time house husband. There are women who love to wear the pants and call the shots but is that even a natural course of life?  Whichever way you look at it, it is difficult to get in the pants of a woman you treat like a man. If you want her all soft and succulent behind closed doors, treat her like a woman all day, every day.

*Egbemode ([email protected])

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