The person who was to help me home from the train station wasn’t available, so I became worried as the prospect of spending N8K on a 10-minute drive from the train station to my office stared me in the face.

Mercifully, as we were boarding at the take-off point, I sighted an elderly senior colleague and quickly introduced myself to him. He agreed to take me to the campus where my car was.

At the final destination when we got to the car park, after we had put our stuff in the trunk, I made to sit in the passenger seat in the front since there were just the two of us, and then the drama began.

Pa, who should be in his late 60s, was frantically shoving things on the seat and, in the same breath, gently directed me to sit at the back.

He was meeting me for the first time, but in the course of office discussions, his name had been mentioned on a positive note, during which I also learned that he attends the same church as I do. Knowing the old-timers in my church, I was only amused. Sorry if you don’t know my church affiliation 😒

A few minutes into the ride, my husband called to know if I had arrived at my station safely, and that piqued the old man’s interest. You see, my Android phone ringtone is based on Genesis 15:5, which our mutual pastor had referenced in one of his countless sermons and which I use as my ringtone because of its vast promises that are applicable to one’s children.

READ ALSO: FOR THE RECORD: Oloyede’s speech on error in 2025 UTME results

Immediately Pa heard the voice, he asked if I also attended the church, to which I said yes. That sobered him up, and he went on to explain why I couldn’t sit in the passenger seat beside him: the seat is an exclusive preserve of ‘Mama’ (his wife), and she has forbidden him from ever allowing anyone (that would be a woman, I think) from occupying it.

Inasmuch as we both know that godly fidelity is a non-negotiable requirement for staying together, I won’t have my back against the wall just to boost anyone’s sense of insecurity.

He informed me further that immediately I asked him for a ride, he had to send an urgent WhatsApp message (read, permission) to Mama, and that she said it was okay (hence the confidence he had to give me the 10-minute ride). I expressed my gratitude, but it sent me thinking.

There are things I’ll never agree to do in this one marriage that I am in. Inasmuch as we both know that godly fidelity is a non-negotiable requirement for staying together, I won’t have my back against the wall just to boost anyone’s sense of insecurity.

So, if Mama had asked him to not help a woman she doesn’t know, what would he have told me?

If there were four of us ladies going to the same place as him, would he have shoved all four of us in the back seat that is meant for three, or would he have declined to help one person in order to not annoy Mama?

Life can be easier, especially married life, biko.

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Coming out of an abusive marriage is not a joke. Victims of bad marriages that venture into another relationship need to be encouraged and supported. Not a few people have vowed never to have anything to do with marriage again because of their miserable experiences.

They become excessively sensitive, easily irritated and abnormally suspicious of whoever shows interest in them. They find it difficult to forget hurtful experiences from their failed marital relationships. Any unpleasant traits similar to that of their abuser found in the new partner will automatically trigger strong resistance and self-defence. In many cases, they lose emotional balance to manage and control their reactions.

Coming out of an abusive marriage is not a joke. Victims of bad marriages that venture into another relationship need to be encouraged and supported.

It is courageous of abused persons to give love a chance in their hearts. It is not always easy as healing and recovery pace in individuals differ. While some could brace up, take the pains in their strides and move on, others may brood over, lament and massage their hurts for a longer period of time. People may get abused in similar ways but they won’t be healed at equal pace.

A man stayed away from his home for weeks before he was persuaded to return because his new wife was nagging too much. He feared that he might be in for another unpleasant marriage if his new wife has the same behavioural patterns like his divorced wife. He parted ways with his first wife because, according to him, she frequently unleashed verbal assaults on him which often led to emotional breakdown coupled with her refusal to cook for him whenever they had issues.

The new wife, on her part, admitted being temperamental because of the nasty experience of her close friend in her marriage which she doesn’t want to smell at all. “This is how my friend’s husband behaves. He looks so cool but he’s dealing with his wife silently. His harmless mien is deceptive. He rarely raises his voice but he’s a hard and difficult man. I wouldn’t wait until he starts showing his bad side before I preempt him. If I have to nag to prevent bad treatment from happening to me I think it’s okay,” she said.

Meanwhile, the man took a walk from her because his failed marriage was hinged on bad temperament and verbal assaults by his first wife. “And because I don’t want to be involved in domestic violence or wife battering, I decided to end the union. Now that I’m seeing a similar trait in my new woman, I then decided to leave the home to serve as a warning to her. I hate nagging and verbal abuse with passion. This is a way to let her know that I will call it quit if she would not allow us to live in peace.” He said in a telephone conversation with me. As we speak, they have settled and she has apologised to her man. I made her to know that there are no two people who are exactly the same in everything.

Uncountable loving and caring souls have been unjustly tormented by those they loved affectionately. They were rewarded harshly for their commitment and sacrifice in relationships. Rather than being appreciated and celebrated, they get insults, intimidation and punches in return for their courteous behaviours.

Emotionally crushed person needs a gentle, mature and understanding partner to heal fast. Smarting from an abusive relationship could alter one’s reactions and perceptions. Whoever will marry a hurting soul must insulate himself from anger. He must be calm and friendly enough to make the bruised partner talk. He must demonstrate tolerance that would earn the trust of the hurting soul. He must see the crushed partner as a sick that needs utmost care and attention to heal.

One of the helpful ways for the hurting partner is not to engage in transferred aggression. That is a common reaction in many people. We should be mindful of the fact that the new partner is not in anyway connected with the pains and disappointment of the past. That a woman caused you to cry does not mean that every other woman that comes your way must pay for the ‘sin.’ Likewise, there are women who do not see anything good in other men simply because they were unlucky to pair with wrong men in their failed  marriages. None of these scenarios is correct. Men are not the same in many respects just as women also differ in behaviours. To stereotype people along negative traits is a sure way to stay hurting even years after. Such a toxic disposition is capable of denying one the joy of friendship and happy marriage.

Relating with a deeply hurt person in a relationship requires patience, tolerance and understanding. However, one must engage the bruised often in conversations. Talking lightens a burdened heart and brightens the mood. The more they talk and interact, the faster they heal up.

The idea of visiting pains and hurt on everybody around is wrong. We should deal with the new partner on their individual merit and not to embark on transferred aggression. Remember that the person in your life now is not the cause of your misery. Learn to deal with people separately. This is why it is advisable not to see the new partner from the prism of your abuser. Being human, people unknown to one another could share one of two  similarities perhaps in some ways but the fact remains that there are no two persons that are exactly the same in everything.

The idea of visiting pains and hurt on everybody around is wrong. We should deal with the new partner on their individual merit and not to embark on transferred aggression.

A forgiving heart is a peaceful one. Forgiveness should rather be a lifestyle than being forced. It heals and rebuilds broken walls of relationships. By this, hope for a better and sweeter relationship is developed.

In an event whereby it is becoming difficult to let go and thereby not enjoying the new relationship because of the hurting experience of the past, they should seek help. A visit to clinical psychologist and emotional intelligence expert will go a long way in restoring sanity and normalcy in the abused spouse.

Applying the power of prayers and embarking on retreat for spiritual restoration is as important as the air we breathe. This is in addition to cultivating friendship and socializing with family and friends for a peaceful and happy marital life after a devastating and horrible experience of abusive marriages.

Do have a fun-filled weekend ahead.

*West wrote via mikeawe@yahoo.co.uk (08035304268/ 08059964446)

The post Remarriage: Coping with abused, damaged spouses, By Michael West appeared first on Frontpageng.

President of the court, Chief Ademola Odunade, dissolved the marriage after Faseyitan admitted that she asked a witch doctor to “tie her husband spiritually to milk him dry.”

Delivering judgment, Odunade said: “Men and women intending to get married should seek God’s approval in their relationship before forging ahead.”

He said that he dissolved the union in the interest of peace.

The judge granted custody of the two children to Faseyitan.

The arbitrator ordered Kolawole to pay N6,000 monthly for the children’s upkeep.

Earlier,  Faseyitan said: “I never wished death on my husband. All I wanted was to keep him in bondage and make him sick, until he serves his purpose.

“I only told the witch doctor so that people would be convinced that his second wife was responsible for the calamity that befell him,” she said.

Earlier, Kolawole, a factory worker prayed for the dissolution of his 15-year-old marriage on grounds that his wife was into black magic.

“I did everything possible to please her. But it was not enough.  I abandoned the home to her when she confessed to me,” he said.

He tendered the recorded conversation between his wife and the alleged witch doctor as exhibit before the court.

Source: NAN

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There’s no specific moment for the singles to scout for life partners. Every day is a good day. Settling into a blissful marital life is the dream of every adult. My concern here is not just to see the singles get married but that they be rightly paired. Marrying wrong partners is like a life sentence into emotional prison, spiritual wilderness and mental agony which are too dire to bear.

A man of God, Rev. Olusola Areogun of Dreams Centre, Osogbo, Osun State, said in his classic teaching on marriage that whoever finds himself or herself in marriage with a wrong partner has lost a minimum of 80 per cent of his or her glory or destiny in life. Similarly, Pastor Enoch Adeboye of the Redeemed Christian Church of God said “it is better to stay single than be married to the wrong person. If you marry the wrong person your hell begins on earth. It takes only the supernatural intervention of the Almighty God to rescue you if you marry the wrong fellow.”  For me, the situation is akin to someone who narrowly survived an air crash but sustains high degree of injuries and fractures. He may never enjoy good health and full functional body for the rest of his life. Such is the case with victims of wrong marriages.

The situation is akin to someone who narrowly survived an air crash but sustains high degree of injuries and fractures. He may never enjoy good health and full functional body for the rest of his life. Such is the case with victims of wrong marriages.

I am passionate and concerned about the singles getting married. It is a service to humanity. However, it is more glorifying and fulfilling if they marry right. The increasing incidence of failed marriages is fuelling the number of singles in the ‘market.’ Many people rushed into marriage taking the obvious pitfalls for granted even when they are visible enough to see.

Some years ago, I counseled a 38-year-old old woman from going into marriage with a man she was not ready to let go. I understood her reason, age was no longer on her side, more so, committed suitors were not easy to find. Despite warnings, she went ahead and solemnised the marriage. Her argument was that everybody has one form of issue or the other to manage in their life and that prayers can change any bad situation. Yes, I agree but the Bible says in Proverbs 22:3 that “A prudent (wise) person foresees the danger ahead and takes precautions; the simpleton (simple-minded, foolish) goes blindly on and suffers the consequences. (NKJV). I knew her desperation for marriage can’t sustain the union. Honestly she tried her possible best to keep the marriage. She spent all she had to satisfy her man. She even got a car loan at work and bought a car for him while she went to work by public transport. In order not to be tempted to have access to the car, she refused to learn driving. She got an apartment in an estate, furnished it and filled the house with foods and groceries including assorted drinks. Sincerely, all she got in return was physical assaults, lies, infidelity and endless financial demands. They went their separate ways for a season only for the guy to return to her in her new place and apologised for his “mad behaviours.” I warned her again but she said, “since we separated which man came my way? Where are the men? I will rather endure his immaturity than be without a man.” She went ahead and gave him N250, 000 to pursue his business interest. The summary of it all is that my beautiful lady was back to square one barely a month after his ‘repentance.’ He did more damage this time than the earlier period. Months later, he sauntered into a young woman from a wealthy family. They cleaned him up, empowered him, gave him money to buy a “tear rubber” car before he married the girl. He is living as a “big boy” while my innocent lady is struggling to survive in the current economic malaise affecting Nigerians. When she lamented about what the guy did to her, I reminded her that desperation lured her into her predicament. She is advanced in age now; a good, faithful woman, she is back in the ‘market.’

This is not to scare or demoralise us but to underscore the fact that marriage is a serious business meant for the mature and serious minded only.

Whether you’re widowed, separated, divorced or yet-to-be-married, beyond the need and quest for life partners or companions, painstaking approach to getting the right person is key. Likewise, desperation must be eschewed at all cost. The Word says God is the “Rewarder of those that ‘diligently’ (patiently focused, determined) seek Him.” (Heb 11:6b). Diligence and patience while searching for life partners will produce a lasting result.

Indices of wrong partners are easy to know. Apart from the tendencies for physical assaults, irresponsibility, infidelity and emotional disconnect, spiritual dimension to such case is real. That’s why God-factor is basic at the onset. The best time to pray is when you’re not seeing or involved with anybody at all. Investigate the person from their background. That was the role parents used to play in the past. That lacuna is taking tolls on the marriages of many young people these days.

Spiritual manipulations by family lineage forces could make their targets marry the wrong partners. People usually realise the harmful mistakes when it is practically too late. However, not all cases are beyond remedy. There are lesser cases that counseling, prayers and conscious efforts could improve. For those already married, it is important to fight on your knees for your family and secure your home. Sacrifice in form of giving up on some things or a change of attitude to nurture the relationship could be helpful.

It is possible that some of those that could have solved our economic and political problems are living beggarly in our midst and in far-flung locations. Some of them engage in menial jobs for survival notwithstanding the level of their education, skills and talents just because they missed their destiny steps through marriage. If God opens our eyes to see colossal damages done to bright minds, brilliant scholars and great thinkers’ destinies through marriages, one will prefer to stay single for life. This is not to scare or demoralise us but to underscore the fact that marriage is a serious business meant for the mature and serious minded only.  Therefore, watch, search and pray before you say “I do.”

From the Mailbox

Re: Parents, it’s all about you

Wow! Nice write up. It really made my day. Well, in my own case, my daughter doesn’t have issue with me having a man but my son is the issue. He doesn’t want any man around me. The 14 years old boy was nine months old when his father died. – Kenny O., Lagos.

In my case, each time I brought a woman to the house, my children were not happy at all. I explained to them many other things I needed a woman for besides having children. Yet, it wasn’t easy. When the eldest gained admission into the university, the coast became clearer for me. – Emo Diadenaru, Abuja.

My submission is that children should ensure that their parents are happy. Life is not static. More so, if a single man of 50 and above doesn’t have a companion, loneliness may send him to untimely grave. – Hafeez Sonaike, Lagos.

I’m 37 years old chartered accountant. I’m interested in your Hook Up service please. How do I go about it? – Ms. Anonymous.

The post Marriage: Wrong choice, a ‘killer’ pitfall, By Michael West appeared first on Frontpageng.

Many prospective brides and grooms wish to have a talk-of-the-town wedding. While wedding is just a day event, marriage is a lifetime affair. The pomp that usually headlines the class and glamour of a wedding does not guarantee its success nor induce its failure. Unfortunately, not a few of the celebrated weddings have failed to translate into peaceful and enduring marriages. This has nothing to do with the age, class or tribes of the couples involved. It is traceable to tripartite factors such as parental interest, class obsession and neglect of the spiritual.

Some failed marriages would have survived but due to parental overbearing, misguided or imposed choices and pandering to the dictates of the class they belong to.

Some failed marriages would have survived but due to parental overbearing, misguided or imposed choices and pandering to the dictates of the class they belong to. This is common with the rich because they think, by that, they are protecting their family interest, business and class by insisting on choices within opulent family circles. Sometimes they could be right because some folks from humble backgrounds have proven to be a disaster in marriage to rich families. However, such cases are not enough for the rich to play God.  They should realise that everyone’s future lies with God as many of them were not born with silver spoons in their mouths. Fortunes smiled on them either through hard work, right connections or providence, the same way other people’s children could make it with or without marrying their privileged children. There are basic things parents must check to determine the appropriateness of a prospective spouse for their children.

▪ Is the person educated enough to feel good in the midst of their peers? Is the person well behaved, civil, pleasant and mature? Everyone has weak points, so, they should not expect a saint because nobody is. On the average, if the character is adjudged good and tolerable to run a peaceful and stable home, then, the person is a good choice.

▪ The person’s parental background in terms of integrity, business or occupation and track record or pedigree not necessarily in terms of financial worth but in values.

▪ The prospects of the person is key. What the person hopes to do or is doing as occupational engagement, the ability to excel in their field of speciality and/or the ability to manage business etc., will be an added advantage to the family.

The highlighted factors in addition to godly upbringing are enough criteria for a spouse-to-be for the children of the rich. We have seen children of the rich kill themselves in marriage. We have seen some of their marriages crash in weeks and months after society weddings. Parents should stop chasing shadows. They should concentrate on the important aspects of life and the wellbeing of their children and not to dwell on a one-day society wedding for their children. Is it wrong to be involved in the affairs of our children? Absolutely not. However, there are key areas parents need to work on to ensure happy and stable homes for their children.

Class obsession is a serious issue to contend with in this matter. Trying to measure up to the family’s rating has led some people into debts and acrimonious marriages. People should live within their means and celebrate according to their financial strength. There’s no award for the Most Ostentatious Wedding of the Year. Therefore, celebrate moderately and spend wisely.

People should live within their means and celebrate according to their financial strength. There’s no award for the Most Ostentatious Wedding of the Year.

On the spiritual, it is not everybody’s aura that permits noisy or ostentatious celebration. The need to seek divine guidance in events like marriage is very important. Many homes are in disarray today because they failed to factor the spiritual into their arrangements much earlier. Seeking to know the mind of God concerning the couple and the ceremony is the right step to take.  We are all spirit beings living in the physical. The Bible says God is in heaven ruling in the affairs of men. This basically applies to those who allow Him to rule in their own situations. God is a Gentleman, if you don’t involve, consult or invite Him into your affairs, He will stay away, looking.

From the Mailbox

Re: ‘My Wife Caused It’

He’s a useless man. A shameless man who drained his wife’s finances in the name of soft loans. I believe he used the money to service his girlfriend whom he got pregnant because that’s what he wanted. Otherwise, didn’t he know where condoms are sold? The woman should divorce him.– Liz M., Lagos.

Most women are happier being single than married. No ordering around, no unnecessary malice, no cooking and serving any man. It’s just freedom for them. For any one (man or woman) who has been in a toxic relationship before, the person will agree with me that it’s a lot better to remain single. Mrs. Nora O, Lagos.

I want to agree that infidelity in marriage is very bad. We should always ask for God’s wisdom and divine direction in every aspect of our lives. Many women find it difficult to adapt when things are rough with their husbands. In my home, I’m the bread winner, yet, I live in peace with my husband. Allowing him to enjoy sex is also a key I often use to make him happy. My advice to the man is to pray about it, as we can see the wife’s heart is very far from him. She needs to forgive him as marriage without forgiveness and tolerance may not last. – Julie M. Enugu.

It is good he didn’t hide his extra marital affair from his wife. It is good he’s sincere enough not to have justified himself for the wrong doing. It shows he is remorseful. Now he has to allow his wife some time to get herself together. She will forgive him though disappointed he could go that far. Then we have to also consider the other lady, the girlfriend and her baby. While he awaits his wife’s forgiveness, he must first forgive himself. – Dayo E. Lagos

Any man who goes to a lady friend and utters statements like “I love my wife, I cannot afford to lose her” would eventually fall a prey to the lady friend’s antics because she would go the extra mile to satisfy the man emotionally, psychologically and physically (supporting him with money, wears and feeding him with sumptuous meals) that his wife (who is bluffing and denying him sex) could not offer. So, I suggest that every man should stop confessing love for their wife outside. They should stop taking loans from their wives to service their businesses; rather, they should look elsewhere. (Spiritual insight in that). Bedroom assignment is a must for the couple. Women should stop using sex as a weapon of punishment against their husbands. Note that what you are denying him would be given outside with or without money and the man will feel safer and relaxed where he is welcomed. Proverbs 14 verse 1 says “Every wise woman builds her own home.” – Wunmi O. Lagos.

Send your responses/private issues to: Email: mikeawe@yahoo.co.uk; +234-(0)8035304268 – SMS; +234-(0)8059964446 – Hook Up.

The post Marriage, not wedding is priority, By Michael West appeared first on Frontpageng.

The woman, who had her first child at 14, gave birth to the 15 children over a period of 28 years, with no record of multiple births.

The first child is 40 years, while the youngest is 12 years.

Hussaina, a native of Zaria in Kaduna State, told the News Agency of Nigeria, NAN, on Tuesday in Mararaba, Nasarawa State, where she currently resides, that her pregnancies and deliveries were never challenging.

“The pregnancies and births were never challenging. The only challenge is raising the children. That has been a very difficult task.

“Most of them did not go to school. Some started, but dropped out.

“I had 13 of my 15 children alone and at home; only two were born in the hospital.

“I never fell ill during my pregnancies or had any complications during childbirth, but that was in those days. I will not advise any woman in this generation to try that.

“If I was as enlightened as I am now and had any knowledge about family planning, I would not have found myself in this situation.

“As you can see, this is how we live. Survival has become a herculean task. These children do not go to school, and we cannot even afford a decent meal,’’ Hussaina, now divorced, told NAN.

She advised young married women, especially those from the northern part of the country, to go for child spacing and only have a sizeable number of children that they would be able to cater for, in case they found themselves in a situation like hers.

“I had seven children from my first marriage, we got divorced and I married my second husband and had eight with him. But he left me and returned to his first wife, leaving me and the children.

“Some of the girls are now married, but none of them was able to get any education before starting a family. So, life has not been easy for them. They are practically living my kind of life.

“No mother wants to see her children suffer, but I have no choice. Seeing them struggling to survive through this hardship makes me very sad.”

But, in spite of the tough times, Hussaina said she did not regret having them.

“Things are hard for me and the kids, but I have no regrets bringing them to this world. I love them deeply and I am ready to do anything to make them happy. I cannot give them up for anything.

“They are here already and I believe in God’s divine plan. I have faith that God will send helpers to us just like He has been doing, because my children and I are living on the goodwill of neighbours and many kind individuals.”

“Mama 15”, as she is popularly known in the area, also disclosed that her mother had 17 children, though with three multiple births – two sets of twins and one set of triplets.

“That was why my siblings and I could not go to school because we were too many.

“Besides, at that time, a woman’s future was always determined from birth – she will simply be married off once she attains puberty.”

One of the children, Binta Salisu, who spoke with NAN, said she was in school up to Junior Secondary School (JSS) 2, but had to drop out two years ago because she could not afford to go further.

She appealed to NGOs, philanthropists and other well meaning Nigerians to come to the aid of the populous family.

“We need help. We need food. We need education. We need support. People should help us,” she said.

She further advised young mothers to ensure they had something to do so as to survive.

“Every woman should get a trade. Every woman needs something to fall back on when she finds herself in a situation like ours. No woman should be idle.”

Binta, 18, appealed to well meaning Nigerians to come to her aid as she was still passionate about going back to school and completing her education.

“I don’t wish to end up like the rest of my sisters. I want to acquire education and compete for opportunities in life.

“The only way to have a meaningful life is to get education. I want education. I am anxious and ready. Someone should help me,” she told NAN, fighting back tears.

Four of Hussaina’s children are late.

Source: NAN

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Adewale, a counsellor at Moba Local Government Education Authority, Otun-Ekiti, made known in an interview with the News Agency of Nigeria, NAN, on Friday.

She said couples needed to seek amicable settlement of their differences for peace to reign in their marriages.

“Not all issues should be thrown at the doorsteps of friends, families and other external influences.

“Marriage life should be with mercy, compassion and tranquility. But if the reverse is the case, couples should pursue all remedies to rebuild their relationship,” she said.

Adewale noted that marriage dissolutions could pose adverse socio-economic effect on the affected individuals and the larger society.

According to her, incessant kidnappings, banditry, armed robbery and insurgency being experienced had direct consequences on rising cases of divorce.

She advised couples to keep their marital vows in order to guide against unwarranted marriage break-up.

“The rate of divorce as a result of irretrievable marriage collapse is worrisome and needs to be checked.

“Marital separation or divorce can be very unpleasant and families as well as the society will suffer the consequences.

“It has become so bad that many couples believe that it is the best means to settle scores and issues which ordinarily can be resolved without a third party,” she said.

The counsellor advised judges to intervene by always giving room for reconciliation among affected couples for possible settlement.

“This will go a long way to reduce the rate of marriage collapse in our society,” she said.

Adewale also called on alternative dispute resolution professionals to live above board in reconciling aggrieved couples.

Source: NAN

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