By ADESOLA AYO-ADERELE
When you relate with women who have all-male children or kids of both sexes, you’ll realise that three-quarters of bad husband-wife relationships are midwifed by mothers, especially mothers of the male partners in a marriage.
I have no apologies for this submission.
I learn a lot just by listening to friends who fall into this category of parents.
One mother once said that her only daughter could marry any man, but her sons can’t marry just any woman because women are terrible. I had no word with which to respond to such horrendous conclusion about people of her gender.
Where self-rebirth is lacking, a parent will forever seek to control an adult child while pretending it is for his/her good.
Besides, it’s an eye opener to the way many mothers in-law deal with their sons in-law. Let the girl bring the man, they’ll cook him until he becomes soft as jelly. That’s the implication.
A friend who has two girls and a son recently told me that having a son is like being married to two men at a go. I chuckled at the abhorrent statement.
Here is a mother who not only cooks for her live-in adult son, but also takes the food to him in his room each time she decides the guy is hungry.
If it’s food brought out of the freezer, she will microwave it and take it to him right in his bedroom.
Yet, she is extremely happy with her first daughter’s husband because, according to her, the guy is “domesticated.” See?
She has deliberately raised a son that can’t cook his own food, but she’s happy that she has a son in-law that cooks for her daughter!
Other moms refer to their sons as their boyfriends or husbands, thinking it’s a way of expressing affection for their sons.
To such moms, I usually urge them to imagine dads calling their daughters girlfriends or wives, and see how morally sound and cool it is.
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Again, many mothers are like Achraf Hakimi’s mother. They start out pretending to protect their son’s interests but, along the line, where they don’t become a quasi-wife to their son, they’ll ensure that he doesn’t trust his wife as to confide in her or, if he’s rich, to let the wife have unrestricted access to what, in reality, is family wealth.
As for any young individual, be it male or female, who feels at ease with any parent that indulges them and gives them false sense of security by assuring you that they’re for you the way your spouse can’t ever be, know for sure that they’re only propping you up for trouble.
They’re conditioning you to never have faith in whomever you marry, and that will automatically place them at the centre of your affection.
That way, no matter how hard your spouse tries, you won’t appreciate the sincerity because you’ve been raised to see your parents and siblings as the only sincere people in your life.
Yet, nothing could be further from the truth!
If any bubble bursts, you’ll bear the brunt alone, even when they stand right behind you.
If you make your siblings or, bizarrely, your parents, your next of kin, you’ve only taken your wealth out of your nuclear family’s reach and your children won’t bless your memory.
But then, a deadbeat dad can’t give what he doesn’t have. And that’s why an adult child needs self-rebirth.
That is not to say that dads are innocent. Not at all. Many men are deadbeat dads and husbands.
For whatever reasons, their voices are hardly heard in family matters, and they have no obligation towards their kids.
They can’t tell their sons the duties and responsibilities of a dad/husband; they can’t tell their sons that the qualities of a woman are not necessarily embedded in her chest and backside.
But then, a deadbeat dad can’t give what he doesn’t have. And that’s why an adult child needs self-rebirth.
Where self-rebirth is lacking, a parent will forever seek to control an adult child while pretending it is for his/her good.
