By BAMIDELE JOHNSON
The acute lack of sympathy for the youthman who died procuring penile augumentation would never have materialised had the cause of death been announced as nkita bite, a fall from a mat or flower stalk.
In any of the cases above, there would have been a full-throated national demand that the dog, mat and flower stalk be arraigned, preparatory to the full weight of the law being brought down on them. You also cannot rule out an impassioned demand that two sections of the penal code be invented specifically for the occasion.
I know this because I have watched how this country treats victims of a botched BBL or anyone permanently re-arranged by a cosmetic ambition gone rogue. There is never any national outpouring for these people. There is, instead, a queue of commentators ready, willing and able to shout that the victim brought upon himself or herself something he or she did not, biologically speaking, need.
Public sympathy for such people sits somewhere below sympathy for policemen (a.k.a. Askari) shot on duty or wicked Lagos landlords demanding two years’ rent upfront and a testimony of your salary history. This is why the cause of death should never, under any circumstances, have been announced to the public as complications from a penile enhancement procedure. Mba. That is not a cause of death, but a confession and for which you will be convicted posthumously.
If na woman push you to do this, your head will judge. If na man, he no go find forgiveness.
It is not enough to simply die. You must die from something respectable, something the family can announce at the wake without the priest lowering his voice in second-hand embarrassment. Die from dog bite, hypertension, winch or even fenu ja. But whatever you do, do not die from body enhancement surgery. If you do, the kindest you will get are merry dirges.
If you are a woman who dies from a botched BBL, your gender may recommend being buried in a guitar-case-shaped coffin to accommodate the wider lower part. But wetin person dey do with penile enlargement? To acquire buran doki or amu danda? To do what with exactly? Wetin cause the matter? Why you do me so? Isan na de lo pa Bruce Lee. If na woman push you to do this, your head will judge. If na man, he no go find forgiveness. Rest in peace, bro. Journey mercies. A yi tafiya lafiya. Suru ohu ni.
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